out of orbit

Propositions

2011-09-10T10:11:00.001-07:00

I'm in the midst of proposals.

Research I'd like to do, and also proposing a new strucuture for my 204 living.

Projecting what I need to learn for things that don't yet exist.

this is transformation I guess.

brain drain

2011-01-27T19:07:00.000-08:00

I'm too tired to think or talk or do just about anything.
I've been in grad school for approximately 2.5 years, and feel like I'm running on fumes.

dear sweet baby jesus, how will I do it.
:(

On the horizon:
-Comprehensive Exam-(which I had to postpone due to exhaustion)
-Presentation in New Orleans at the Clark Seminar thingie (can't remember the whole name, even though I'm participating because I won a competition, sheesh I'm tired)
-Thesis Proposal Defense

And I run out of funding by Fall 2012....oh my GOD!!!

Domestic

2010-11-29T06:40:00.000-08:00

I've been finding myself struggling with concepts of motherhood these days.
I recently was speaking to my cousin, who was struggling with childcare for her infant son. (He's one) After listening to her complicated story, I just blurted out "Why don't you just stay home with him, you're missing out on raising him"
Later when I was relating this story to a friend, I referred to this as "Sarah Palin advice". My friend, is a woman who has chosen to work at home, and by this I mean, doing the day time childcare for her three boys. I assured her that I admire and believe in the importance of working in your home raising your children, (and she didn't need my reassurance). I provided most of the childcare for Olivia, for the first 2.5 years of her life, and then when I went back to work as a junior high teachers, Olivia went to half day Montessori and grandparents, and then full time Montessori. Now, I'm a grad student with a schedule that allows me to be flexible, go on field trips, stay home with her when she is sick and pick her up afterschool. So, why did I characterize my advice as antifeminist? Why do I think childcare is even a feminist issue?
That's actually a bit antiquated or is it? I realized that I am having some sort of schizophrenic episode regarding my beliefs about work that is done at home, much of which involves childcare for women who have them and working outside of the home and having your child in other forms of child care (daycare, nannies, extended family etc.)

With statistics that still indicate that women do the majority of the domestic and child care tasks while still preforming daily work duties outside of the home, I guess it's a bigger "issue" for women then it is for men. In my case, I have no choice but to work, as I supply the income in my home. Child support is pretty minimal. Given the choice, I'm not sure what i would do to be honest? My dad always told me that a woman has to be financially independent. (thanks dad)
But realistically, (and by that I mean the reality of what a human being can actually do in a day or week) it is virtually impossible to do it "all".

I feel I've missed out on raising my own child, even though I've had a lot of flexibility and work that has allowed me to be more present than other mothers had the opportunity to be...

so much work, so little time

2010-11-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

I just spent the weekend trying to solve a year long battle with our laundry. I think I may have finally devised a system that won't result in 6 loads of clean, unfolded laundry sitting of the love seat for a week. we'll see.

In the meantime, I read this article this morning. Personally, all my "other" work makes my unpaid work impossible. Which reminds me that while I am working from home today/doing my children's laundry/taking a moment to blog, I left my oven on for the last hour pre-heating so I can make something out of yesterdays halloween pumpkin. sigh.

I'm off to finish a few of the tasks of started, but I leave you with this article on "momism", for those of you with more time or better multi-tasking ability than I.

Iron Deficiency

2010-10-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

My recent diagnosis of iron deficiency anemia has caused me to take a much needed pause. Nothing serious but it explains why I've been feeling like terrible and depleted for the last few months.
It's funny how I needed permission to rest, and thankfully it came. As crazy as that sounds, I'm thankful. I can rest and not leap tall buildings in a single bound (at least for the time being)

ars poetica

2010-08-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about how much time I used to spend writing poetry.
Most of it, not very good but it wasn't really the product that was the point. And I know that honest to goodness poets roll their eyes at this kind of "everyone can express themselves" talk. Ars Poetica is just that, an art-study and learning and technique and talent. I can relate to the feeling, that my kind of working has been diminshed. Letters to the editor render me apopletic, as would be theorists talk smack based on ideas they've heard on facebook. Put that aside for the moment, the act of writing, the time, the process, the sound of a typewriter keys smacking letters on a white page in the pale hours of the morning had some sort of magical quality for my soul and for my well being.
I don't write much poetry anymore. I think some of it has to do with the time I don't have, and that my typewriter is broken, but all of that is really besides the point.
Part of the reason is that here in Toronto, the magic seems to have faded. In some ways, I'm far more awake.

Am I imagining it or do conversations now lack the rythm and timbre they used to?
(only on the odd winnipeg morning does it conjure)
I find that lately I'm a fan of silence and of making: pottery is a good outlet for silent poetry, where hands and hips move and push, tension creating upsward swells of meaning, the smacking of clay bodies against table tops imprinting now.

the change has left me wondering.

back in the saddle.

2010-08-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

I've been a little distracted lately, and not posting about the perils and possibilities of a doctoral student pursuing motherhood, organic eating and cooking, health and single parenting and the occasional pottery session!
On the horizon: comprehensive exams, a trip to Winnipeg, completing work that I really should have never started in the first place and a great annotated bibliography that I hope will beef up my lit review.

Question of the day:How the hell am I going to do all of this? I feel splintered in a million different pieces-shiver me timbers!

Solstice

2009-12-23T13:04:00.001-08:00

here
among
the hopers the lovers the dreamers
wrapped in silk chord's
warm fire embraces
watching leaves turn over
mapped in flames of
rivers lakes and land
we've travelled
out of lines
tonight
flush with the slow burn
of the past
packed in shoe boxes
silver embers ask
for forgiveness.

S.O.S

2009-11-15T20:42:00.000-08:00

Hi all.

My daughter's school pool is being closed down. The Toronto District School Board is shutting 19 pools down. They say the pools are too expensive, even though school swim programs provide students with water safety and swimming lessons. Many of these students will have very little access to swimming or water safety programs. The city of Toronto, who really should support the pools, are also claiming that they can't fund or support school pools. The clincher is that if the pools are closed down, this will create a need for pools in many areas (most less affluent areas), which the city will likely address by building community centres with pools. Your average community centre pool will cost up to 12 million dollars (each) to build.
This seems ridiculous since pools and community buildings (schools) exist. The pools will be drained (most are fully functioning and recently repaired)and filled in with cement.
If you have a moment please go to http://www.avivacommunityfund.org/ideas/acf2904 to vote to save Toronto School Pools.

printing a stack of thesis notes

2009-11-13T14:02:00.000-08:00

Libretto

2009-11-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

I stumble down
Nassau’s footway, pursued by the
carnival of street noise to
where rosedale glows.

I alight on the doorstep
and push open
the sound
breathless
save
for Dylan
and the thickness
of the silence acoustic
shelves lined with volumes
the
drift of my finger's
tip
over ridge
over face over spine
each awake now
silently mouthing their words to me
in language I finally can understand.

Fire FIGHTER

2009-10-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I volunteered to help chaperone Olivia's kindergarten class visit to the local fire hall. yes, I know what you're thinking, but that's not why I went. anyways, the tour consisted of two, well muscled fire men explaining all the cool (read: macho things about fire fighting, axes, shovels, ladders, big loud lights, sledge hammers)
although, perhaps I should re think my delimiting those things to being macho...but anyways. The tour and show and tell took about an hour...at one point the student teacher had her picture taken in the fire truck with a fire "mans" hat on. That's their term not mine. The firefighter asked if I wanted my picture taken in the truck.
I declined. although I should have had one taken, Did you know that the firefighter's hats are decorated with a brass/metal figure of a beaver.

The firefighter's ended the little talk with the usual "does anyone have any questions". Well I did. I wondered, since over half the class were girls, if there were any women fire FIGHTERS. Besides the sideways glances that he gave his colleague, he also responded by saying that yes, there were women who were firefighters, and that the fire department accepted people of all shapes and sizes, not just big strong men...they both looked annoyed and sort of sheepish.

About a minute later the alarm bell sounded...a real fire to put out I guess.

the systematic girling of my daughter

2009-10-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

My family is engaged in an non-organized (they don't meet as far as i can tell) but systematic plan to girl the mae mae. Her second birthday is coming up and I think that it has some tripped some kind of girl alert alarm in the grandparents genetic make up.

Apparently, the following items are dangerously lacking in her life so far (but are arriving regularly): Diapers with princesses on them, girlie panties (2 year olds aren't allowed to wear boy boxers, though they seem way more comfortable and easier to get on and off), barbie dolls (SHE'S TWO!!!), and pink everything.

Along with these items i also get a little lecture, finger wagging and other indications that I am failing to teach mae to be a girl by providing the proper girlie merch. I've also noticed that compliments of her prettiness and niceness are amping up.

To be fair, they also organized to boy Dru because I suck at that too. No one seems to remember (or respect) that I'm purposely aspiring to gender neutral parenting.

michelle obama on motherhood

2009-09-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

michelle obama's statement about motherhood fits so well with the discussions we've been having on this blog.

Princess Barbie Fairytopia

2009-09-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

Olivia and I were talking about a particular movie she has: Barbie Fairytopia.
I didn't buy it for her, some well meaning relative or her dad likely did. Once something like that is in the hot little hands of your 5 year old, it only sets you up to be the meanie. So, due to the lack of co operation I have from other adults who are part of Olivia's life, I've decided to use these artifacts as a way to instill critical thinking and encourage questioning the world around you.

Case in point: We discussed why mom doesn't like the fairytopia movies, and Barbie in particular. I tried to do this in as factual as a way as possible, you can imagine my objections to the unrealistc portrayal of feminitity, of beauty, of good and evil, of dichotomies, of the marketing ploy of it all... so we talked about this for a time, and then I said "but probably you can watch those shows and it won't hurt you, as long as you try to understand what you are watching", to which Olivia replied "no mom, it can hurt you because it tries to tell you something that isn't real, and when you're little you might believe it".

Powerful.

letter to the editor

2009-09-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

I like to rant about education.
I sent one such rant to the Uniter in response to an article about the ills of not letting students fail and the lowering of standards.
They published it. maybe because I used the word labradoodle, maybe because I was frothy, not sure.

here is the link

new camera

2009-09-13T19:18:00.001-07:00

pregnant and pretty (4 days before mae was born)

2009-09-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

studio usurper

2009-08-13T13:28:00.001-07:00

Gimme some truth #2

2009-07-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

In keeping with the current theme of "truth telling" and cultural norms, i too have been wondering about a recent cultural practice: the Brazilian

I was recently at the esthetician,getting a bikini and leg wax, which already makes me feel awkward. To have someone fumbling about my private bits with hot wax, my legs splayed open... makes me think they really offer a "wax and pap" special...but I digress.
anyhow the woman who was providing the service asked if I was interested in getting a "Brazilian". This isn't the first time I've received the offer of removing the majority of my pubic hair with the exception of the proverbial landing strip, which by the way, not much has landed on in the last year or so, if you know what I mean.
I declined politely, okay well those of you who know me will smirk at that, I actually declined candidly. I ranted (just a bit) about how I was confused about the purpose of getting all of my pubic hair removed because really there ain't no fooling anyone about the likelihood of my transition through puberty (read I have a c-section scar and other tell tale signs like stretch marks etc.) Did I really need to look like a pre-pubescent girl? I demanded to know... I tried to lighten my rant by joking that I was more into the "70's Porn Star" look to which she replied that her friend had dressed up like a 70's Porn Star for Halloween...complete with pubes protruding from her panties.

yeesh.
Is that what I've become?

So my question is, if I'm going to be sexually active in the year 2009 is the expectation that I have no pubic hair? Will my potential partner run screaming from the room and ask me what is growing where my landing strip should be? Hit me with the truth ladies!!

gimme some truth

2009-07-22T11:50:00.001-07:00

I'm wrestling with the notion of a family of four. We are currently three. I guess over these two years, as a mama, I've realized how many other breeders lie to you about what it is a)like to grow a child in your body and b)caring for a newborn(hence my upstart blog - beer, baby, bratwurst). I often hear the "oh, it's easier with two" and "really, three is bliss". I'm hesitant to believe these people. They all lied to me before.
What drives me more insane is the feeling that you're "supposed" to have more than the one-and-only. Apparently, after it all, I am held acountable for the "weird"(miss o is not weird, by the way, she is perfectly lovely) one-and-only child, should we not do this again, but isn't our one-and-only enough? I keep hearing the "wouldn't it be nice to have two" or the "he needs a playmate" (N.B. at 2 he has already ditched us for his "friends" at the park)or who can forget the "well, who is going to look after you when you are old". The latter being at the top of my absolutely crazy things to say list.

stand still

2009-07-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

Your body is a hybrid
both bridge and backwater
only a moment
boy
which sounds better than a stand
and really there isn’t one only
maybe a lack of movement
that wide open wail
of being washed up onto shore
with one more layer of salt and confusion

Writing Space: Summer 2009 CulletonMacri Studio

2009-06-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

bed musings

2009-05-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

I had a thought that made me giggle today. I was thinking that perhaps the only two professions where you can do your work and get paid for it while you are in bed are academics and prostitution.

Job Interview: #1

2009-05-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

If I recall correctly, a certain member of this blog keeps all of his rejection letters. In this regard, I would like to a) please view this collection and b)and announce that I am going to compile my own archive of rejection.

I had a job interview with the Canadian Education Association. I won't bore you with the details of my interview, but this question makes me think I'm not quite what they are looking for in a researcher: "We aren't really looking for a policy critique, do you think you can have a less critical perspective about this research if you got the job?"

I left laughing to myself, because initially I sort of didn't understand the question, what is this "being neutral" they speak of?

I need interview lessons to be sure or I'll be unemployed for the rest of my life.

Rejection email to follow I'm sure.

the diva cup: and how I'm falling out of love with it

2009-05-15T18:36:00.001-07:00

I'm not one to share private and gooey details of my life for the most part. But, here it is: I use the Diva Cup, a menstrual cup, it is my newest foray into the land of the greener goddess, trying to do my part for the earth and all. Frankly though after today, I'm not so sure I can solider on. I was wearing my Diva Cup, today, but had just popped into the drugstore to buy some good old fashioned maxi pads, the kind with the wings, I had been experiencing some leakage that was annoying and while the diva cup is usually air tight sometimes...
As I was walking down College street,after going to the drugstore, low and behold I feel some wetness between my thighs, but though...oh well I can make it to my new favourite coffee place to use the washroom. I stopped on the way, to go to the bank machine and just as I had inserted my card...I felt a woosh of something and then a sickening trickling down my thigh. I froze in disbelief, I imagine the cup had dislodged and spilled.
I wasn't sure what to do...so I did what any self respecting woman would do, and took out a maxi pad, unwrapped it, whipped up my skirt and put one on.
Yes, my friends, right there in the Bank...cleaned up with another pad and sanitized my hands with my trusty hand sanitizer and went on my way...home of course.

What are the chances anyone saw me? Not very likely as I was facing a bank machine and travelled at lightning speed...how mortifying indeed for me and for anyone who saw.

So the Diva Cup gets a two thumbs down from me today.

A few words from Gertrude Stein regarding composition

2009-05-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

The composition is not there, it is going to be there and we are here. This is some time ago for us naturally...Nothing changes from generation to generation except the things seen and that makes a composition.
(Stein, 1926 in Composition as Explanation)

D is for Done

2009-05-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

DONE DONE DONE
ate 2 cupcakes. watched The Wire (social science porn about institutional dysfunction) yummmy!

Currently...resisting urge to have panic attack about the quality of essay that I submitted or that D might be for D, like I get a D and fail out of grad school...although at this point I'm more worried about the quality of my research. Which is an interesting switch I think that happens in grad school and more now that I'm working on a phd, less worried about what others say and more worried about your own standard of quality, especially when that is research that others will read, that participants of your research have donated time to facilitate and that all involved are respected and honoured by your work, and that playing theory games with framing research doesn't end up in fitting data into a frame versus the other way around...okay. I'm glad I got that out.

I need a drink

Grad school style pet: zooomie the snail

2009-05-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

We have a pet snail. I found him/her on the front door of our apartment building, he/she doesn't take up too much room, although we are currently trying to construct an "ecosystem" for him/her, no expensive food, spray him/her down with water, feed dandelions, and other assorted vegetation and bingo you have a pet, low/no cost and perhaps we'll splurge and buy him/her a snail water bowl (they have that at pet stores)

Did you know that snails are hemaphrodites, learned that on Green Porno.
(I know I have used too many commas, too tired to fix it)

Pictures of Zoomie to follow.

research methods

2009-04-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

as there are several grad students lurking around this blog who have yet to chime in, I thought I would take a moment to ask a direct question:

what techniques/methods/strategies have you devised for long term research?

I want to hear all the geeky practices that help you keep track of several branches of research, various conflicting ideas and months of reading. I need all the help I can get to figure out a system that will keep me moving forward as efficiently as possible (i.e. not re-reading the same texts several times over). How do you keep track of what you are reading for? what do the filing systems on your computer look like? your binders? etc, etc. help please!!!

aca-damn-i'm-a-mama

2009-04-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

I sent the first draft of my thesis proposal to my adviser yesterday. I received his response this morning. It includes many useful questions to help me get a handle on my thinking, a ton of books to add to my bibliography, and several possible branches of criticism to include (i assumed the feedback would help me narrow my focus; instead, i'm going to be taking on the WORLD!).

Unfortunately, he opened his email with the following:

Got your proposal and it looks very interesting, original and promising. Hopefully two weeks will be enough to whip it into shape for submission. I would be happy to supervise if that is what you would like. The topic seems eminently feasible for a scholar stuck at home babysitting...

I don't know whether to scream or cry!

laundry #1

2009-04-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

Remembering the laundry
I make my way,
down the obscene lavender stretch
Between the laundry room and my apartment door
Murmuring to myself about whether someone has pulled
my clean clothes out
of the machine by now

impatient

I’ve been doing that lately:
Losing track
Day and night strung together
Light and dark beads on an endless string
I wear around my neck

Trudging back
Warm clothes in hand
untouched and triumphant

Freedom of Choice

2009-04-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

I just read this article

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding/3

I think that the current storm surrounding breastfeeding contains many arguments and ideas that we, as writers of this blog, have been trying to articulate (the conflicting tensions, the ambivalence, the guilt, the illusion of choice, etc). If you don't have time to read the article, here is a key section of what Hanna Rosin has written:

In my set, no husband tells his wife that it is her womanly duty to stay home and nurse the child. Instead, both parents together weigh the evidence and then make a rational, informed decision that she should do so. Then other, logical decisions follow: she alone fed the child, so she naturally knows better how to comfort the child, so she is the better judge to pick a school for the child and the better nurse when the child is sick, and so on. Recently, my husband and I noticed that we had reached the age at which friends from high school and college now hold positions of serious power. When we went down the list, we had to work hard to find any women. Where had all our female friends strayed? Why had they disappeared during the years they’d had small children?

Does this hit home with you the way it did for me?

On a side bar, does anyone know how to imbed links to web articles with in a sentence (i.e. so that in my first sentence the words "this article" could be clicked to open the page for readers?).

natgeos

2009-04-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

My son ended his nursing after 21 months. Yup, 21 months. I reclaimed my breasts as my own only to discover them to be hot off the press of a National Geographic cover. Will they ever be the same? I don't really care, but this whole gravity thing is NOT working for me.

First Publication

2009-04-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

Official First Academic Publication.
Also feels like First Official Act of Public Exposure.

Click Here to read it.

proscribed roles

2009-04-02T11:51:00.001-07:00

proscribed roles

2009-03-30T21:54:00.001-07:00

walking down sullivan
with your hand in mine
feet in opposition
you: heels dug in
me:run run run

for the street car
and the smiles of strangers
who see what I can't some days

the morning eggs already broken
and the hat pulled down over your ears
what I can think about is the closing door
the weightless walk
away
into light

eclipsed by birthday parties,
swimming lessons
tummy aches
bits of treasured paper and rock collections,
and the endless dirge of dinner

walking down sullivan
with your hand in mine
feet in opposition
you: skipping
me: run run run

for the streetcar
where the track ends too soon
and the door opens abruptly

stories of monster gods and treasures
morning theories about squirrels
what I can think about are the pea pod tips of you fingers
that illuminate the world
into light

eclipsed by me.

Proscribed Roles

2009-03-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

Art project/Birthday Invitations

2009-03-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

Winter Reflections

2009-03-13T08:23:00.001-07:00

I'll start one photo at a time...as I get used to this new activity!! What a treat to actually take time & look around at all the marvellous things around me!! Walk by these very neat thistle-type bushes every morning as I leave the apt....when you take the time to get up close & look at them.....they are amazing & beautiful!!

Thanks, Cara!!

Dru/Mama bedtime photo shoot

2009-03-10T07:51:00.001-07:00

Put your thinking caps on

2009-03-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

I need some brainstorming. The kind that only a mom can achieve.

The problem: I have been trying for two weeks to discover where my 16 month old daughter decided to "hide" my car starter.

I am pretty sure it is in the kitchen, living room, or dining room. Though, by now, it may have migrated in the depths of an article of clothing (a few months ago i found my mouth guard in the dryer). I have checked the obvious places (under the: stove, fridge, couches, and piano, inside the Tupperware drawer).

I am running out of ideas... where would you look?

Who does she think she is?

2009-03-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

This documentary just came to my attention. It screened here in Toronto, and of course I missed it, but I hope to catch it when it comes out on dvd. It is about 5 women artists who pursue motherhood and art with equal gusto.

The concept of the film is germane to the concerns and questions of this blog: Everyone expects women to choose, but what if you didn't?
The women in this film live out that refusal.

click here for the film website

Domestic Goddess?

2009-03-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

So. I just recently read an article in a vintage copy of "Bitch" magazine concerning the resurgence of domestic arts and the domestic goddess. The article raised some very interesting questions, like "Is this choice to "stay home" or be in the workplace, primarily a product of white, middle class life and life choices, whereas most women do not have a choice but to do both?"
Interesting factoids from the article: On average North American males spend 16 hours a week doing domestic tasks/chores and women spend 27, of these hours most of the work is organized around typical gender lines (men do yard work and repairs, women do everything else).
In Taiwan, men have to pay women for the domestic work that they do in the home...I'm not sure of the details or if this does in fact value domestic labour more or if it does more to stigmatize it?
The whole craft and DIY movements have turned domesticity on it's head but it's still interesting, as this article also points out that women are still turning to typically female crafts/art like knitting and sewing over other things like car repair, that being said I do see the value of reinventing and revaluing what has traditionally been female, a way to reclaim the female is some respects I guess.

what are your thoughts on all things domestic?

Loveseat

2009-03-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

poetry activity one (sick day fever drawing with dru)

2009-02-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

Poetry Activity #1 ( Ideally Idle)

2009-02-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

Tummy tucks, anyone?

2009-02-18T14:05:00.000-08:00

The subject came up with my sister and my aunt this weekend. We all find the idea very seductive. Apparently, the mini-tuck (skin removal, no muscle cutting) is only around 15 hundred.

My politics and my feminism lead me to conclude that I shouldn't want a tummy tuck, but i look at that little piece of stretched out skin and count up all the hours I spend exercising and my vanity is not satisfied with the results.

So I ask, are there any changes you would make to your post baby bodies that you would like to surgically or magically alter?

are there any changes to your post baby bodies that you love? I love my breastfeeding boobs and the marks on my left cheek for each of my babies (tiny pregnancy mask that never faded).

an invitation to a disgruntled male

2009-02-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

welcome. i hope you accept our invitation. i hope that you speak out about your experiences as a parent, especially those thoughts feelings and experiences that are "out of orbit" with proscribed roles of fatherhood.

The desert

2009-02-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

Okay. I think we need a poetry activity. I'm feeling dry as the desert here in the big smoke, and I need get some creative juices flowing, because if I write one more useless phrase that contains the word "policy" and "paradigm" I going to motherf-kin scream.

ahem, sorry.

Anyways, the activity goes a little something like this.
Take a pictures of a scene that you notice in the next 48 hours that is poetic or magical to you in some way. So, get out the old camera or camera phone and start noticing the beauty in your lives ladies (uh, can I say ladies, is that PC?)

Post the picture to the blog. the only thing you have to write is a title.

GO!

The birth of this blog

2009-02-16T07:13:00.000-08:00

Shawna and I decided that we should start a blog, shortly after an extended visit I made to Winnipeg in December, 2008. Shawna and I began a discussion about the struggles and surprises that come along with being a mother who is pursuing a passion. This includes women who are mothers and artists/students/working creatively/musicians/academics/poets/writers/
hell anything that you are pursuing and managing to keep up by the skin of your teeth I guess.
While, I want to clearly state that I don't belive the physical act of giving birth, by any means defines you as mother, nor does it define your femaleness. I do think there is a particular shared experience that comes with motherhood and daring to pursue a passionate life, seperate and intertwined with your children:
the constellation of conflicts that are hard to understand when you don't have children underfoot.

We didn't want to put limits on what could be posted, only that it should be space to discover and explore alternatives to what we saw as the "I sacrificed everything" model of motherhood (a quote from Shawna).
We hoped that the discussion and sharing that would result from this blog would assist us in repossessing our female frames and the orbit we are in. The forces that pull us into being conventional are strong, and the guilt associated with daring to protest against being "with child, without passion" are also present everywhere.

Mary Wollenscraft talked about women like this: who were eccentric and determined souls who ventured "out of the orbit prescribed to their sex" as being rare...I know that's not the case, so if you can think of any other women who might benefit from a place to discuss what it's like to be "out of orbit" then let me know and they'll get an invitation.

Salma Hayek

2009-02-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

Frozen

2009-02-09T20:19:00.000-08:00

I have massive amounts of work due starting 1 week from now.

pages written: 0
ideas:0
desire to do said writing: 0

So. will you all be my friends if I'm a PhD. drop out?

I think it is because I'd rather be throwing pottery or reading novels than comparing policy paradigms and evaluating research methodologies.
Olivia told me that I used to be an artist but now I just work on my computer...holy mortification.

New Book Degrees of Freedom by Bethany Hicok

2009-02-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

Just picked this one up from the library.
It is a study of three American female writers: Marianne Moore, Elizabeth Bishop and Sylvia Plath.

Here is a quote about Marianne Moore's mother: " Mrs. Moore's metaphors for her own daughter's creative process upset the binary divisions of this medical discourse that aligned women with reproductivity and men with productivity. Mrs. Moore equates creativity with mothering, an intellectual and creative process, rather than with childbirth, a biological process. Women can mother children--or, in the case of Tina, kittens--but they can also mother texts, lovingly bringing them to maturity. Moore can produce works of art with the same love, attention and care as she can produce children, not out of her body , but out of her mind."

Who is caring for the children?

2009-02-02T16:17:00.000-08:00

I was musing over the isolation I oft speak of in raising my daughter as a single parent. What I forget (in the throes of single mom self pity) is that I have a huge network of people that assist me (some paid and some unpaid) in caring for and raising my daughter. In particular my parents, Nonno and Nonna, spend considerable time with Olivia when we lived/ and now when we visit Winnipeg for extended periods of time.
Aunties, Uncles, cousins, friends, trusted babysitters (here and in Winnipeg), early childhood educators(here and in Winnipeg) have been/ are all significant people in Olivia's life. Not to mention her paternal grandparents who are great...and her Dad is also involved (but I won't sully this post with my analysis of his involvement), but he is present so good for him.

I often wonder if this is old school or new school, post modern or old fashioned?
Perhaps a kind of neo-village mentality...which I miss now that I'm here in Toronto, but am also constructing slowly but surely.

Deadlines

2009-02-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

I have deadlines looming...anyone up for some editing swap?
You edit me. I edit you.

First deadline February 17 (4 pages)...

Great Music Alert

2009-02-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

Last night ( and for the first time in the 6 months I've lived in Toronto)I went out to see live music and stayed out til Midnight (okay it was actually 11:55). On this little adventure I made my way to the Horseshoe Tavern where two great bands played:
The Darceys and Bruce Penninsula.

In particular Bruce Penninsula was amazing and is made up of some kick ass females who make up the core of this experimental/folk/ soul choir group.

Here's a link to their myspace page

The News

2009-01-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that the news is wrought with stories of parents/adults harming children. I mean more often and more outrageously than before, I guess not even a reasonable thing to say on my part, harm is harm. But, there seems to be an acute increase in violence against children...I guess what I found most jarring was that case of a 20 year old man attacking infants at a daycare. What the hell is going on the world?

have it ALL?

2009-01-28T09:33:00.000-08:00

A close mother-friend asked when I returned to work, following my maternity leave, if it REALLY was possible to "have it all". By have it all, did she mean still taking care of everything - child, partner, home AND now a "career"? We can have anything we want, but nothing comes without a price. My sanity is in question.
I still think about the time when all I had to do was rear a small being(and make all the meals, do all the shopping, clean, do laundry, play, sing, change a bum and walk endless hours with a stroller).

It's official I feel inadequate.

2009-01-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

I just came home from class and realized that sleepless nights, being sick, stressed out and over worked do not lead to a clear understading of academic information, let alone trying to express those ideas in front of people. Disaster class for me, thankfully after a failed attempt to answer a question, I had the sense to just close my mouth because my brain was disengaged.

Also I had to bring Olivia to class with me, because all three options of babysitting failed. My professor was kind enough to oblige a 4 year old in her class and my 4 year old was amazing, quiet and sweet.

Sheesh.

It's official

2009-01-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

Today is the first official day of my new life. After nearly three years of loving and struggling as a stay at home mom, my babies are no longer my full time responsibility. I've shelved my books on breastfeeding and child rearing and made a pile of critical theory on the corner of my desk. I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of completing a course and writing a thesis over the next 12 months all by myself at my desk, and underwhelmed by the sudden lack of immediacy and busyness in my day. I feel like I have no time or space to get anything done when my kids are around, but without them to prompt me I don't know how to get anything done at all.

Flow

2009-01-25T19:25:00.000-08:00

Check out this trailer

NFB opens up archive

2009-01-25T10:15:00.000-08:00

Heard about this on the ALFA blog, thought I'd pass it on.
Click Here

Here is one of my faves, there are better films of course, but this one still makes me laugh.

Obama Fever

2009-01-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

I confess that Obama becoming president of the U.S. has had a shocking impact on my worldview. Suddenly I want to run out and buy an american car.

Toronto 1

2009-01-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

i’m caught in loop
a loop de loop of writing
on paper that’s been rolled up
for far too long
with every release of pressure
the edges go back to curl.

i try to exit the loop
by turning off Bellvue onto Augusta
and stop for a coffee
where the wall reads:
“Bite off more than could chew”
with this affirmation
I head home.

The sun is shining and
i’m surprised on Spadina that
today
Toronto gave me all that I wanted of Winnipeg
winter, snow, sunshine,
and warm feet.

Passing by the
pigeons feasting on custard buns
in front of the
Futurama bakery
lions are catching raindrops on their tounges
and the smell of fruit and anise wafts and swirls.

I take in a deep breath that irons it all out.

New Book Alert

2009-01-19T13:15:00.000-08:00

They have released a new edition of "The Joy of Sex".

I suggest someone review it.

Apparently, it is updated to with new photos, new perspectives about sexually transmitted disease (is that the pc term these days) and women's pleasure and/or terms like frigidity.

Isolation

2009-01-18T09:19:00.000-08:00

There is a point of isolation for me, when my daughter is sick, that becomes much like solitary confinement, without the pleasure of just sitting there and thinking.Yes ladies and gentlemen I did imagine (although likely very naively) that solitary confinement would be easier than caring for a sick child, alone. Olivia has been sick for 4 days now: fever, coughing, snotting, up all night, grouchy and refusing to eat all day, etc.

So today, after our current battle over eating some blueberries, it's become obvious that I don't have much Florence Nightengale left, and that I haven't done any of my readings/assignments for school next week.

I could make a list of all the other things I need to get done, but I find those lists frightening, to be honest...these are the real deal issues of single mothers pursuing graduate work in a new city.

Book review and positive news.

2009-01-11T19:37:00.001-08:00

I wrote a book review for a class this fall. My prof just emailed me to say he really liked it and that I should publish it. He's offered to help me think of academic journals/magazines to submit it to, which means that perhaps by the end of the year I might have my first official academic publication.

Shawna acted as the editor (thanks Shawna.
Here is an excerpt from the review, (the review is 8 pages long), it's the critical part,some of it anyways...

"...However, in this same vein of understanding potential and possibility, the story of room 405 and their teacher is limited. We can see the potential and possibility of the story in this specific case but as a broader strategy of shifting the agendas of school it comes up short. It is not that Shultz does not do an exemplary job of modelling student directed democratic teaching, nor does that short sightedness come to rest in the potential and possibility that the students exhibited. The effort and accomplishment by the students was Herculean, they acted with commitment, thoughtfulness and intelligence that was inspiring. The particular vision problem emerges because of how this story is located in particular political and school reforms context.
What contribution does this story/case study make to support the potential and possibility of progressive school reform? While the book is speaking out against one type of reform movement, it is also advocating another brand of reform movement. Shultz is advocating a change in schools: from places that resist democracy and ensure unequal outcomes to democratic and progressive places for all students, not just affluent ones. This is more than admirable and salient in light of the inequities we see in school experience for poor, urban, minority students. It is a school many other educators and researchers hope for. But what does this particular story do to set a course for making this change. Sadly, I think that despite the excitement of seeing this group of students empowered and learning, and despite the transformations we see in Shultz throughout this project, the question still remains: So What?
We are inundated with stories of people succeeding against incredible odds. We have seen this in success stories and case studies: for example, “No Excuses: Seven Principals of low income schools who set the standard for High Achievement” by Samuel Carter (1999) and the growth of Lighthouse Schools in the United Sates. Shultz himself cites examples of successful schools: The eight year study, The Small Workshop schools, Central Park East School in East Harlem, and the Foxfire approach (Shultz, p.143). Even Hollywood has created a niche for this kind of thing, illustrated by the success of movies like “Dangerous Minds” (1995) and “Freedom Writers” (2007). However, we need more than affirmations of the power of the human will and hard work to address the issues that face educators and schools. Moreover, why should public schools be a site of injustice and why wasn’t this addressed more actively in this thesis/book? Does it really just rest in the hands of an enlightened thoughtful practitioner to make things better? If so, then Shultz needed to provide a more theoretical explanation instead of simply offering good websites and earnest questions. The problem is plain; he is an exception. While he was able to make exceptional changes, there was an exceptional aggregation of events, personalities, social and cultural capital that made Shultz successful. Furthermore, Shultz achieved success for ONE year. What about teachers who might be expected to do this year after year? Is this type of activism sustainable?
I interpreted Shultz’s ideas as being predicated on the belief that teachers, acting in isolation are able to transform a classroom, and it could be that by changing one classroom at a time the changes towards more democratic schools will come to pass. Change one classroom at a time; this seems reasonable and grassroots enough, but it also (inadvertently) places teachers on the “sharp edge of reform” (Bascia and Hargreaves, 2001) in a number of ways. First, by pushing for yet another reform while neglecting teachers: neglecting to find out what matters to them, what they need and what they know. It also puts immense educational problems in the hands of teachers, problems that are beyond their “best efforts” due to the highly varied and complex contexts of education and schooling, and most importantly it requires a form of “emotional labour” that not only takes advantage of teachers, but might not sustainable in the long run.
I think that perhaps more interesting and pertinent questions could have been posed while still using the evidence presented in this book, for instance: If change is possible (as demonstrated by Shultz) then why aren’t all teachers doing it? What does this demonstrate about the possibilities of the potential underlying values in the teaching profession that make teachers resistant? What does this demonstrate about the possibility of contextual influences that far outweigh the potency of teachers’ labour? What do other teachers have to say about their efforts that were submerged or subverted by the very same influences that Shultz makes scant mention of in his book?...

Earth Wheel

2009-01-09T12:55:00.000-08:00

I feel my quiet
this evening spent
turning wheels
on wet loamy mounds
dredged from the basement wall
I find my hands
planted
and galloping
the red waves
I touch
ground
washed steady with emptiness

Winnipeg #1

2009-01-09T06:49:00.000-08:00

i'm leaving in the morning
and i thought i should admit
finally,
that it was never your fault

this came to me,
last night
as I walked the ice roads home
from maryland
and that bartender who looked into my eyes
and repeated every word I said
like poetry
Spadina
Spadina
Spadina
which is where I live now
in chinatown:
deranged and ramshakle
unkempt and snake charmed

it reminds me of you.

and that certain way you look sideways at me
during the long, dark rides home
or the way your street sounds when
no one has walked on the pavement for days

and how I now mistake the recognition
in your eyes for madness because
it's been a while since i've been recognized
by you
or anyone else for that matter

walking the ice roads
last night
I looked up and saw you
bright and twinkling
dressed in snow
smiling at me.

and I realize now, how unfair I've been

after the drought

2009-01-08T07:05:00.000-08:00

Collaboration Olivia and Cara

2009-01-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

Toronto Collage #1

2009-01-06T19:30:00.001-08:00

my typewriter

2009-01-06T19:04:00.000-08:00

I wish my remington could be hooked up to the internet.
It's become a delicious treat to type things. I used to sit on my front steps, at 2 am, and type, with a glass of wine and a cigarette dangling from my lips. It was so quiet that the clickety clack from my typewriter sounded like a train coming swiftly up the track, and if I was lucky I'd hear the distant whistle of a real train, from the tracks at Omand's Creek.
Now that I live in an apartment in the downtown Toronto there are no front steps or far off sounds of train whistles to keep me company. I'm trying to imagine other 2 am activities to enjoy. It's really the best time of day if you ask me.